Good Intentions: Star Wars Meet Lord of the Rings

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This I got from a very good friend, she created it.

Disclaimer: I don't own any thing in here to do with Lord of the Rings or Star Wars. I do own Frodo Loops, part of a complete and yummy breakfast. Also I have to give some credit to Melody for coming up with the original idea, and a lot of credit to Anduin because we wrote it together. And credit to me, because I helped too and it's my name.

In a galaxy quite a distance away there are four hobbits, a wizard, and an elf. There is Merry, the shy quiet guy, Pippin, the always hungry guy, Sam, the suggestive one, Frodo, the shy hero who takes all the credit, Gandalf, the old smelly guy who tells everyone what to do with out telling them "why", and last but definitely not least, Legolas, the blonde elf who just doesn't care.

Today we find the six Star Wars wannabes going on a quest to destroy another evil ring corrupting Middle Earth.

`No Sam! You can't drive the ship! Go away!' We hear Gandalf yelling at the suggestive hobbit.

`But Gandalf sir, it's always been my dream to fly the ship.' Sam protested.

`No it's not you big lummox, your life long dream is to be with "Mister Frodo". You want to run away somewhere with him and live happily ever after! Now go away!' Gandalf finally gets through to him and Sam, sweating and turning beet red, goes into the kitchen.

Sam walks into the kitchen where he finds Merry, Pippin, and Frodo sitting not really doing much of anything. There are six chairs at the table. Unfortunately, Gandalf could only bargain three hobbit chairs out of Butterbur in Bree. So there are three hobbit-sized chairs and three man-sized chairs. Frodo, Merry, and Pippin are occupying the hobbit chairs so Sam is forced to haul himself onto the larger chair. As he struggles, out of nowhere Legolas comes to the rescue of the young hobbit.

Once Sam is safely in the chair, Legolas goes back into the back of the ship.

`What do you think he does back there?' Pippin questioned the other hobbits as if they would know.

`I don't know,' Merry replied, `Maybe he soaks in the bathtub.'

`Nah, this ship doesn't have a bathtub.' Says Frodo while putting the clothespin on his nose.

`Maybe he's holding out on us and there really is a bath tub back there.' Sam said stupidly.

`Why wouldn't he tell us?' Pippin asked.

`I don't know.' Merry said. `Maybe he just can't stand the smell up here anymore. You know how sensitive elves are.'

`Whatever. I'm hungry.' Pippin says while he gets up and walks over to the cabinet to get some food.

`Bring me some!' Sam whines.

`Because I love you cousin Pippin.' Sam says while batting his eyelashes.

`Ugh! Here!' Pippin throws a bowl of Frodo Loops. `I am not your cousin and stop with the eyelash thing!'

`Pippin bring me some bacon!' Merry demands.

`But I just sat down. Get it yourself!'

`Oh please cousin Pippin, I love you.' Merry mocks Sam while batting his eyelashes.

`Oh fine, but you know I hate this.' Pippin says as he goes into the back of the ship. After a few minutes squealing is heard then a hard chop. The squealing stops and Pippin returns with a beheaded pig. Pippin throws the body in front of Merry. `Here!'

`Pippin, you know that's not what I mean, fry it!' Merry said.

`Yes Master.' Pippin replied.

Pippin goes to the stove and fries the pig. He returns to the table and throws the plate of bacon in front of Merry. Delighted, Merry digs into the bacon on the plate in front of him on the table that they are sitting at in the ship in space. Frodo tries to ignore Merry and looks over at Sam. Sam is playing with his cereal, making a mess.

`No, no Sam you old ass, you're making an awful mess.' Frodo says as he gets up and puts a bib on Sam. Frodo gets bored and goes into the back of the ship. He stays back there for a while and then goes up to the front of the ship where Gandalf the Grey Pilot is controlling it. Gandalf hears Frodo approaching and thinks it's Sam. Gandalf quickly turns around and grabs Frodo's throat and abruptly starts choking him. `Confound it all Samwise Gamgee…' Gandalf stops abruptly realizing who it is, `Oh hi Frodo.' Gandalf turns back around abruptly dropping Frodo to the floor with a thud and begins to control the ship again.

Frodo being very scared begins to go back to kitchen to see what his "friends" are doing. Before he gets to the table he hears a cry for help and rushes into the kitchen. There he sees Sam lying on the floor with Merry and Pippin running around like maniacs.

`What's going on here?' Frodo asks.

`Sams choking!' Pippin yells.

Frodo looks at him blinking many times, `So…'

`So do something!' Merry yells.

`Fine, fine.' Frodo begins to advance to Sam who is passed out on the floor. With good intentions, Frodo picks him up and begins to give him the Heimlich maneuver. A pretzel flies out of Sam's mouth and bonks Pippin on the head knocking him out. Pippin falls to the floor with a great slap like a piece of meat. Sam is still not breathing. Frodo must now give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Being the kind friend that Frodo is he will do what he must to save his friend's life. With good intentions, Frodo reluctantly leans over Sam's motionless body lifting his eyes upward as if in prayer. `Oh God help me.' He whispers as he places his mouth on Sam's. As he does this Sam's eyes fling open and his arms wrap around Frodo pulling him to the ground. `I knew you loved me!' Sam exclaims happily. In surprise Frodo punched Sam hard on the nose sending blood everywhere. When Frodo sees what he did he feels bad and punches him again to put him out of his misery. Frodo drags Sam's body and throws him down the garbage chute. He then goes into the control room and presses the garbage release button.

`Why did you do that?' Gandalf inquires.

`Oh no reason.' Frodo replies, `I just thought it was getting a little full.' Frodo then skips happily away into the kitchen where he finds Merry crying over Pippin's motionless body. Frodo goes over to Pippin and gives him a hard kick in his side. `Wake up! You're not dead!' Frodo yells at him. When Pippin does not wake Frodo goes over to the sink and throws a cup of water in his face. This does nothing. Frodo decides that water will work but he needs more. So Frodo and Merry drag Pippin's body into the back of the ship and into the bathroom where he find Legolas' mysterious bathtub with the curtain drawn shut.

`So he really does have one back here.' Merry says.

`Yea, I guess Sam was right.' Frodo says. Frodo then draws back the curtain to find Legolas soaking in the bathtub with a lit cigarette in his mouth. Frodo and Merry are enchanted by the smell of the Botanical bubble bath. Legolas' eyes are wide open and his hair is frizzy and black.

`Oh, he was electrocuted.' Frodo says bored like.

`How do you get electrocuted with a cigarette?' Merry asks with an unusual spurt of stupidness.

`It wasn't the cigarette you twit. It was the hair dryer.' Frodo says holding up a hair dryer that has mysteriously appeared. `It seems he was trying to dry his beautiful hair in the bathtub while smoking. Let this be a lesson to you: Don't smoke, soak and dry your hair at the same time.'

`I'll remember that.' Merry says taking the hair dryer and peering at it closely. He can see FRODO written on it boldly. `You let him use your hair dryer?'

`Oh…' Frodo says weirdly, `Of course I did...heh. He needed to dry his hair so I helped him out just as I have been helping all my friends.'

`Okay…' Merry says suspiciously, `So what are we going to do with Pippin?'

`Ah yes, him.' Frodo remembers. `I'll be right back. While I'm gone take Legolas' body out of the bathtub.'

Frodo walks out of the room and Merry peers over at the tub. He grabs Legolas' arms and begins to pull him out. As Legolas' emerges from the water Merry can see that Legolas is wearing bright pink swim trunks.

"Oh what an interesting garment he is wearing." Merry thinks to himself.

Merry lays Legolas on the floor out of the way and Frodo walks back in the room and stands there.

`Where did you go?' Merry asks.

`Oh I just left because I didn't want to touch the dead body and I wanted you to do it.' Frodo says.

Merry starts to get upset but then he remembers his beloved cousin Pippin.

`So what exactly are we doing back here?' Merry questions Frodo.

`I am going to wake up Pippin.' Frodo says.

`You? What about me?' Merry asks.

`Oh well I thought you were looking a little hungry so I made you some food while I was waiting for you to dispose of the elf. Go into the kitchen and eat.' Frodo says.

`Oh gee thanks, Frodo.' Merry says while running into the kitchen. Merry slides to a stop in the kitchen and turns around looking for the promised food.

Meanwhile in the Bathroom, Frodo lifted Pippin's head and dunked it under water in an attempt to wake him up. Pippin then wakes up to the feeling of water rushing up his nose. Pippin sits straight up and notices Frodo

`Oh, hi Frodo, what are you doing?'

Frodo pays no heed to Pippin and forces his head back under the water. Pippin gives a blood-curdling scream but the water soon drowns it out.

In the kitchen Merry can find no food. He sits down and waits for Frodo to return with Pippin. He then hears a blood-curdling scream that is quickly stifled by the sound of water.

In the bathroom Pippin lifts his head and screams again. Becoming annoyed with the screaming, Frodo punches him just as he did Sam and sends blood everywhere. Pippin then drowns in a mixture of water and his own blood.

"Well at least he isn't knocked out anymore." Frodo thinks to himself, glad to have done another good deed for his friend. Frodo then takes the body and hauls it toward the kitchen where the garbage chute is. Frodo sees Merry and reaches into his pocket. Frodo pulls out a mushroom and throws it into the control room across the kitchen. Merry notices the mushroom and dives after it. Frodo quickly carries Pippin to the chute and throws Pippin's body down it. Frodo then walks into the control room where he finds Merry chewing on a mushroom and Gandalf sleeping over the controls.

`Where is Pippin?' Merry asks, `And where is Sam?'

`Um… I think Pippin and Sam are both sleeping.' Frodo says. He then looks over to Gandalf who is snoring at the controls. `Is he sleeping?'

`Yeah, but it's on auto-pilot.' Merry says. Merry then notices that Frodo is covered in water and what looks suspiciously like blood. `What's all over you Frodo? Is that blood?'

`Oh yeah.' Frodo says, `Pippin was a little rowdy and knocked me into the faucet. It cut my arm badly.'

`Oh, it must have hurt because I heard someone scream.' Merry says stupidly.

`Oh yeah… that was me.' Frodo says rolling his eyes, `Did you find the food?'

`No.' Said Merry, `It wasn't there.'

`Oh.' Said Frodo, `Well, why don't we go into the kitchen and look for it.'

Merry reluctantly follows Frodo into the kitchen only because he is very hungry. When they get into the kitchen there is no food on the table.

`Well, I guess I forgot.' Said Frodo. `I think there is some yummy donuts up there on the top shelf. Why don't you climb up there and get them?'

Merry being very hungry indeed begins to climb the shelf. As he gets to the top, Frodo notices that there is a conveniently placed piece of paper that Merry is standing on. Frodo becomes worried that Merry might slip on it. With good intentions, Frodo pulls the paper out from under Merry's foot. Something happened then that Frodo did not intend. Merry slipped. Luckily, for Merry, he landed on his feet.

`Oh are you okay Cousin Merry?' Frodo asks Merry.

`Yeah…yeah, I'm fine.' Merry says a little shaky.

Frodo then takes Merry by the arms and sits him down at the table. Merry had succeeded in retrieving the donuts. Frodo goes over to the counter and grabs a butcher knife. He then goes back to the table.

`Here let me cut the donut for you Merry for it is quite large.' Frodo says.

`Okay… whatever.' Merry says as he hands Frodo the bite-size donut.

`Well cousin, this donut is hard for me to hold and cut at the same time. Could you please hold it?'

`Sure.' Merry says holding up the donut for Frodo. Then, with good intentions, Frodo begins to slice the donut. As he is cutting it, the knife unexpectantly slips and unexpectedly slices Merry's arm open.

`AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!' Merry cries.

`Oh I'm so sorry!' Frodo says. `Let me clean it up for you.'

By this time Merry has gone into shock from the pain and Frodo can easily drag him into the bathroom. Frodo sets him on the toilet and rummages around the medicine cabinet. He sees two bottles of liquid. One read: Propane, the other reads: Peroxide. Frodo quickly chooses the one that says Propane because peroxide sound likes monoxide, which Frodo knows is deadly. Taking Merry's arm, he begins to pour on the stuff. The instant it touches the cut, Merry jumps out of shock and begins to scream.

`It will hurt a little but you have to be strong and brave.' Frodo tells him. He then begins to pour some more on but Merry moves and Frodo spills it all over him. Merry is now soaking wet with Propane.

`Oh now looks what you made me do. I'll have to dry you off.' Frodo drags Merry into his room where there is a fireplace. He sets Merry in front of it and leaves him to dry, with good intentions. Frodo then goes back into the control room to see if Gandalf has awoken. When Frodo gets there he finds Gandalf sitting up right and wide-awake. He has coffee in his hands and is drinking it rapidly.

`You finally decided to wake up I see.' Frodo says. Gandalf turns around slowly and we see that his eyes are huge and he has a huge, frightening grin on his face.

`Of course I did!' He says like a demon with his head spinning all the way around.

`Alright old man, you've had too much coffee.' Frodo says as he takes the cup of coffee away from the man.

`I'm going to go back in and check on Merry. No more coffee.'

Frodo, being quite scared, breaks off into a run toward Merry's room. When he gets to the room he can't stop and runs into Merry hurling him into the fire. Since Merry's clothes are still soaked with Propane he bursts into flames. Frodo, not wanting to burn his hands, just runs around like a maniac not know what to do. When the flames have died down Frodo picks up Merry's body, takes him to the kitchen, and throws him down the garbage chute. That was Frodo's big mistake because when he threw Pippin down the chute he forgot to press the release button.

Down in the garbage area, Merry begins to move slightly. He lifts his head and sees the mangled body of his beloved Pippin. This fills Merry with rage. He must get back at Frodo for doing this but how?

Back upstairs Frodo begins to feel very lonely so he goes to visit Gandalf.

`Gandalf, my old friend, why don't you put that ship on autopilot and come have dinner with me.'

`Well, okay. I haven't had a good meal in over 12 hours.' Gandalf says.

So Frodo and Gandalf set off for the kitchen. Frodo motions for Gandalf to sit down while he prepares the food. Gandalf gladly takes a seat and Frodo walks over to the counter. When Frodo returns he has a large supply of food and sets it on the table. When he sits down, Gandalf is reading a newspaper.

`Gandalf, where did you get that newspaper?' Frodo questions him.

`The paper boy brought it this morning.' Gandalf says.

`Oh, can I have the comics?' Frodo asks.

`Sure.' Says Gandalf as he rummages through the paper and pulls out the comics. Both Frodo and Gandalf sit quietly eating their food.

`I'm hot.' Gandalf announces.

`I wouldn't know.' Frodo says slowly, `You just look like a dirty old man to me.'

`No.' Gandalf says angrily, `I'm hot as in sweaty.'

`Oh I see.' Frodo says, `would you like me to help you? I have been of great help to everyone today.'

`Sure. What could it hurt?' Gandalf says. So, with good intentions, Frodo takes Gandalf by the hand and brings him to the aerodynamics room. Frodo leads Gandalf into the room and shuts the door.

Gandalf looks skeptically at the huge fans. `Are you sure this will help?' He asks.

`Sure.' Frodo says and goes to turn on the fans. The fan blades begin to move. Gandalf starts to feel pulled toward one of the fans. He quickly grabs onto a bar on the wall. Frodo doesn't think that Gandalf looks cool enough so he turns up the power. Gandalf's feet slowly leave the ground as the power increases. Gandalf gives out a tremendous yell as his robes are torn from his body, exposing his hot pink boxers. With good intentions, Frodo increases the power even more. Gandalf can no longer hold on and lets go of the bar screaming all the way. With a great splat Gandalf is chopped into many pieces and blood goes flying everywhere, splattering the window where Frodo was looking. Frodo then turns off the power and goes into the room. The takes a mop and mops Gandalf up. He goes into the kitchen and throws the bloody water down the sink and throws the bloody mop into the garbage chute.

Frodo is now sitting happily at the table eating Star Wars cereal. He pours the cereal into the bowl. He then plays with the little Yoda head marshmallow pieces and eats them one by one. He then pours another bowl and eats all of the sweetened corn puffs and then eats all of the marshmallows by themselves. Still hungry, he pours a third bowl but this time something is different. A black thing a little over a foot long falls out and splashes him with milk. Curious, Frodo picks it up and presses the red button on it. To his surprise a long red light bursts from the end.

`Cool!' Frodo says, `A flashlight!' Being still hungry Frodo just sets the "flashlight" on the table. The second the blade of light touches the table it slices it in half and sends milk and cereal everywhere. Not pleased with his new flashlight he turns it off and puts it away.

Meanwhile, down in the garbage, Merry frantically searches for a way to get back at Frodo. As he sits and wonder he comes upon a box of discarded Star Wars cereal. He looks into the box and sees that the prize has not been claimed. He pulls it out and turns it on. As he does he hears something else coming down the garbage chute.

"Gandalf I presume." Merry thinks to himself. He sees the mop come down and land straight up. Suddenly he hears a gurgling sound and a huge amount of red water falls onto him. He then decides how he is going to get Frodo.

Up in the kitchen Frodo hears what sounds like someone climbing the garbage chute. He peers over to it and is surprised to see Merry fly out of it and turn on his lightsaber. Frodo in surprise tires to punch him but Merry ducks out of the way. Frodo grabs his "flashlight" and begins to fling it around like a fool. They begin an all out Lightsaber fight. There are many flips and ducks and slides. Then out of nowhere Frodo stops and begins to dance on his toes. Flinging his arms about in front of Merry he begins to say, `Credits will do fine.'

`What?' Merry asks bewildered.

`Credits will do fine.'

`What are you doing, Frodo?!' Merry asks.

Frodo snaps out of it, `I don't know.'

`Okay.' Merry says. `So you're done?'

`Yup. I guess.' Frodo says.

`Good.' Merry says and swings his lightsaber chopping off Frodo's left arm off. Frodo keeps on fighting because he is very strong. Merry then distracts Frodo with a mushroom and chops off his right arm. Frodo falls to the ground seemingly defeated. Merry, thinking that his task is done, turns around and begins to walk away. Frodo suddenly leaps up with the lightsaber in his mouth and takes a swing at Merry chopping off his foot. Merry, now in more pain and rage, jumps up and stabs Frodo killing him instantly.

Merry crawls toward the control room of the ship and puts in the coordinates to his home planet. He knows his time is almost up but he still wants his family to have something to bury. He then lays on the floor and stares out at the stars through the windshield. As his time draws closer to a close he sees something fuzzy floating toward the ship. Merry focuses his last thoughts on trying to figure out what the fuzzy thing is. He uses all of his energy to sit up and as the thing gets closer it begins to turn around. Merry can see that it is in fact Sam's head. Merry then passes on and falls to the floor.

In the bathroom we can hear slight moaning. We see a tall figure standing up and staring at the red water in the bathtub. No caring he begins to advance into the kitchen. He sees Frodo's dismembered body lying on the floor. Being a blonde that just doesn't care, he doesn't care, and steps over the body. He notices the spilled cereal and picks it up and begins to chow down. He continues into the control room where he sees Merry's burnt, footless, and dead body. He still doesn't care. He sees the controls set to the Shire and doesn't care enough to change them.

Legolas picks up the radio and swallows some cereal. `This is Blonde Leader 72. The mission has failed. The Ring of Good Intention has killed them all. The ship is set to land in the Shire.'

`Roger, Blonde Leader. We will meet you there.' comes a voice from the radio.

Legolas then turns and goes to take a bath. He doesn't care enough to change the water.

Notes: 1. Blonde Leader is a spoof of Rouge Leader

2. If you haven't seen Star Wars Episode I, `Credits will do fine.' Is a spoof of Qui-Gon Jinn trying to get Watto to take the credits.